Floating the Kasilof River

The Kasilof River had been on my mind quite a bit before this trip. It has this milky appearance. It’s a creamy blue river that’s fed by Tustumena Lake, a glacial lake, which itself is fed by streams that flow from the Tustumena Glacier and the Harding Ice Field. So, this milky appearance is actually glacial silt. The silt makes it hard to see into the water, but it’s pretty beautiful.

The river empties into the Upper Cook Inlet.

Where the Kasilof meets Cook Inlet is a really rich estuary, providing food for migrating birds. So, it’s an important stopover area. Yup, you can see a lot of cool wildlife when you’re floating down the Kasilof.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, no bears this time.

As soon as we got there, we actually saw a little Yellowlegs. He basically saw us off as we put in and floated away. I’ve heard a lot about Yellowlegs and this was the first one I’ve spotted! I wasn’t sure what type of shorebird it was in the moment, but I snapped some photos and was able to identify it later. I felt like a real birder!

There were many loons. My favorite thing to do when I see is a loon is to just keep my eyes on it until it eventually dives under water. I love the dives.

We see families of colorful grebes that would take off last minute once they confirmed you are in fact drifting in their direction. Plenty of gulls standing on the rocky shore. One gull was particularly loud the closer we got and I’ve learned this means they’re protecting something, so look around for a nest or chicks. Sure enough, we spotted some gray fluffy chicks and bigger, older fledglings, waiting for food from mom or dad. 

Of course lots of birds I can’t identify. They’re still really fun to spot. And there were lots of fisherman, waiting for their king… salmon that is.

We floated for about 9 miles. The Kasilof is a pretty easy going float, until you take a turn and you’re met off and on with some Class I, Class II conditions. Still pretty easy, but definitely a bit of excitement for newbies like us. Maybe even a bit of a challenge when trying to land and take out. All I can say is look out for those rocks.

Aside from all these beautiful sights and excitement, this trip felt extra special because the Kasilof had been on my mind for so long. I’m fortunate to have friends that want to follow through on ideas and who let me borrow gear. And I’m really grateful for the reminder that I’m capable of learning new skills and having new experiences when I put my mind to it. It’s a reminder I don’t really get tired of.

 So, if there’s something that’s been on your mind lately, what’s your next step?

Are You Stuck? Try These 2 Steps.

In the last year or so, I’ve realized that sometimes to get the change we want, it’s not just about our actions. Sure, it’s important to take steps towards our goals, but equally as important to changing our lives is our attitude.

 Ask yourself: How am I approaching life? A new attitude starts to affect many other parts of your life. It’s a ripple effect! Which is the reason I chose to hone in on my attitude. I knew there were bigger changes I wanted in my life and it seemed my attitude was holding me back.

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Drop the attitude”? I get the jest of this saying, but I think it could use some revamping. Let’s reword it to, “Change the attitude”. It’s a word that often gets a bad rep, but attitude definitely doesn’t always have to be referencing negativity. Often, attitude is just what you need to get yourself out of feeling stuck! Which is why last year I made the decision to intentionally focus my attention on my attitude, specifically when it became bad.

So, what exactly was the attitude I needed to adjust?

It usually happened in moments of stress, when I didn’t feel heard, respected, or valued. I would feel the need to protect myself and to gain a little bit of control back, so I’d snap in return. These types of interactions usually left me feeling more out of control though since I didn’t like my attitude! As I stepped back from reacting and turned inward, I realized this was actually a bad attitude towards myself.

At the time, life seemed out to get me. I was often around others who were rude to me, didn’t believe in my dreams, or spoke down to me. I found myself trying to defend myself to others, to prove to them I was worth something. I thought if I could just get them to see how hard I work, how much compassion I have, or how much time I’m willing to give, then I could change their negative attitudes towards me. At some point I realized though, I have absolutely no control over anyone else. There is no amount of effort I can put in to change someone else’s outlook on me. I can’t make anyone more kind or more accepting.

And after all this effort of trying to prove my worth, I was exhausted. I had no energy left to put back into myself. I started to question why I felt such a need to change how others treated me. I didn’t think unkind people were really worth draining all my energy anyways. Why not put all the energy into myself? Instead of expecting others to be more positive and welcoming of me, why not be more welcoming of myself? So, slowly I decided to start putting my energy into changing the only thing I could: myself – attitude and actions. Here’s 2 steps you can start practicing now if you find yourself in the same position. 

• Realize other people’s actions are never about you: This was a huge game changer in shifting my attitude. My bad attitude came out of a need to defend myself. If someone voiced a negative opinion about me I was hurt. I thought I needed to prove how untrue that was by reacting, typically by calling someone else out for their bad attitude. I used to have a friend who, if I shared a new interest or idea for a project, would laugh and say, “I can’t really see you doing that, but okay.” I always felt so hurt by this response. I’d try to point out how rude his comments were and list reasons why I was perfectly capable of picking up a new project. He could go in circles with me for hours and I would just grow more frustrated and more dejected. In the last year I’ve learned that most people won’t see their own bad attitude or change just because you point it out. It’s better to take things less personally and then usually decide to hang out with people who make you feel good! This person’s reaction to my ideas didn’t reflect on me. Instead, it reflected on his abilities to be a supportive friend. And this sentiment is the same in reverse. Your bad attitude has more to do with you than anyone else, which leads to the next point.

• Turn inwards: Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” If your actions (and attitude) are about you, then look inside yourself. There is some emotion that is calling for attention. Are you angry? Hurt? Sad? Probably a mix of different emotions. The more you can notice your emotions, the more you can begin to shift your life. If you’re getting upset by a person or event, then that feeling is a sign that something inside you needs your care. This is where you can start to sense what kind of shift you really need! Is your anger due to feeling unappreciated? Is your hurt due to feeling misunderstood? Is your sadness due to not being where you want to be in life? Your emotions are telling you that there is something you want or need that you don’t have. And it’s usually something you can give to yourself, like more understanding, acceptance, or love, rather than hoping someone else will give it to you. Once you start to acknowledge what you really want, then you can take steps to give yourself exactly that! Start following the voice that tells you what you are longing for in life.

Your attitude can shift a lot. Maybe like me, you’ve felt stuck. You’ve started to notice an attitude you don’t love. You don’t feel appreciated, valued, or accomplished, but you really want to create a change in your life. Don’t drop the attitude! No way. Look at what your attitude was able to show you. But now, start to change your attitude, to align with the life you want to lead. Once you shift a little you can see that you do have more control over certain aspects of your life. If you feel stuck you can take small steps to move your life towards a goal or dream. A shift in attitude creates a ripple through the rest of your life, allowing yourself to become more empowered in the changes you can make. It’s an ongoing process that I have to repeatedly remind myself of too. In fact, I wrote this a while ago and came across it again just at the perfect time. What a great reminder. If you notice yourself slipping back towards the bad attitude, go back to the same two steps to keep moving forward.

Solitude is Where You Find Connection

Connection and community are words scattered all around my website. These are two big guiding values in my life. I often struggle to make decisions, so I consistently write down a list of values and choose my top 5. Connection and community come out on top over and over. Yet, recently my perspective on these two ideas shifted.

 What does connection mean to you? What about community? How do these two concepts manifest in your life?

 For the longest time connection and community meant the physical people, right in front of me, in my life. It was who surrounded me and how often I saw them. Even though I saw that I was connected and had a community around me, well, I still felt disconnected.

It was such a bizarre feeling. Here was a very important value of mine that felt so far away. I really struggled with trying to build community, to reconnect, to align with these ideas that I felt made me, me. Who was I without connection?

Slowly, my idea of community evolved. Maybe it wasn’t the physical people around me. Maybe instead it was the ideas that linked me to like-minded people.

 I felt so disconnected because often I was around people who didn’t quite share my values. Start talking about your values. This is how you find like-minded people.  

 As these new ideas of community and connection started to percolate in my mind, another thought occurred to me. How could I find true connection if I was choosing to constantly put myself in spaces where I felt disconnected? In a place like that I couldn’t even connect to myself. To really understand me and what I was all about, I needed more time alone. Being alone isn’t half as bad as I used to believe. When you’re with other people you’re usually at their whim. When you spend time alone you get to focus more on your interests. There is a nice balance between the two.

 Spending more time alone gave me a much better sense of connection. During some of this time, I ended up reading “All About Love” by bell hooks, where she talks about loving community. She writes, “Many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.”

Solitude is where you can really be yourself and embrace who you are. In the end, you’ll find yourself surrounded by a community where you have deep, loving connection.

What Have You Always Wanted to Do But Never Done?

Excited to float down a river AND excited that my life vest is the same hue as my sweater!

What are the things you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t done yet?

I would say this list has been long for me in the past. There were so many things I wanted to do, but felt incapable of doing so. All my life I’ve felt part of my identity was being outdoors. At the same time, I never felt welcomed in outdoor communities. I felt really out of place in the spaces I loved. For a while I lived in this area of disconnect, wanting to be a part of something and also feeling not good enough for it.

 As a currently recovering perfectionist, I expected to be good at things right away. Trying new hobbies put me out of my comfort zone and mixed with people who weren’t super welcoming or just wanted to spout off their knowledge, I gave in to the assumption that I wasn’t made for that world. A world that in some ways also really felt like home. It was such an odd space to be in. I got to the point of being over the “not good enough” mindset and ended up taking a conservation media job in Alaska to prove to myself just exactly what I was capable of doing!

Now, after being in Alaska for over a year, I’ve checked off a lot of my list - and more that I wouldn’t even known to put on my list in the first place.

 I went on a river trip, sea kayaked, backpacked, ventured off on solo trips, hiked on glaciers, kayaked down another river, got more miles in cross country skiing. I’ve gone birding, identified plants and berries I didn’t know existed a year ago, spotted whales, bears, porcupines, dall sheep, lynx, wolverine, and moose. Actually, I’ve encountered two bears much closer than I would ever like to while camping alone. I climbed up sea cliffs, standing at the top as puffins, murres, and kittiwakes swirled around me, and then somehow convinced myself to rappel back down despite my shaky knees. Like, I was in a seabird colony at the top of that cliff! I’ve donned a mustang suit and had to practice putting on a survival suit (I’m glad none of you saw it, but you probably would have enjoyed it). I don’t always remember I’ve done all this, but when I pause to think I get really thrilled.

 I know to some people these experiences are just normal. Yet, most people I have connected with in the last year want you to get excited. They don’t take for granted their version of normal and its magic. They don’t often talk about these experiences like they’re nonchalant. They want to share their experiences because they’re grateful for them. And I think that was one of my biggest, deep down goals: connecting with like-minded folk.

 My dad is this way with climbing. He loves taking his friends out when they ask and letting them use his gear. He tells me stories of the friends who introduced him to climbing back before I was even around. Those stories got me excited to meet similar people in my life. And to be one of those people myself.

 So, now that you’ve listed the things you really want to do… What’s holding you back?

 For me it was fear and not feeling like I had the right to take up any space. The biggest encouragement was a friend back in Arizona telling me I had a spot in any area I felt passionate. She said the outdoors is a place for everyone. We all deserve to feel at home in these communities as we do when we’re alone in nature. So, let me be that friend for you. Whatever is holding you back, just know you have the right to take up space. Maybe it will take time to find your people and really carve out the right spot for you (I actually think this is a continual effort, honing in on your life), but you are totally capable of doing just that.

Can a Photo Really Live up to Memory? | Aurora Borealis in Alaska’s National Parks

Last fall, I stepped outside and in the distance, off to my left, was a luminescent, wiggly band of light. Soon the whole sky above me had been taken over by dancing, sparkling bands. Green, white, pink flashed through the stars. Seriously, straight over my head! At the time, I couldn’t be convinced to look away to take a photo. I was mesmerized by the phenomenon I’d heard so much about, but never expected this.

 Sometimes I wonder if a place can be as beautiful in real life as it is in a photograph. How much did the creator behind the image manipulate their work to be better than memory? Watching the Northern Lights in Alaska surpassed any photo I’d ever seen. And there are some beautiful photographs out there! My whole body welled with emotion and awe while watching. Then other times I question, “Can a photograph really capture the magic of real life scenery?” Yes, when I look back at these photos I can remember just how I felt. The magic that coursed through my veins tingles again. Even if that sounds dramatic, I know you can remember a time when nature made your heart soar. Photos always take me back to that feeling.

 It’s something I’ve heard folks I work with comment on too. There are usually nerves on whether or not a photo or video could ever really live up to your memory. A special event or big moment can seem too precious, too perfect in your mind. How could anything capture that? Then you sit down and finally look through your photos and watch your video – and realize it really can capture your exact emotions. I’ve heard brides tell me this after watching their wedding video and it’s so amazing to hear!

 Eventually the Northern Lights moved off into another direction and I was able to pull myself away to grab my camera gear. I drove down the road with a friend, following the show to a new location. The lights weren’t as strong, their urge to show off dying down. But their magic hadn’t faded. I think it would be super fun to do long exposures for engagement or wedding photos underneath the Aurora Borealis! I’m looking forward to capturing more creative photos of the Northern Lights this year in Alaska.