In the last year or so, I’ve realized that sometimes to get the change we want, it’s not just about our actions. Sure, it’s important to take steps towards our goals, but equally as important to changing our lives is our attitude.
Ask yourself: How am I approaching life? A new attitude starts to affect many other parts of your life. It’s a ripple effect! Which is the reason I chose to hone in on my attitude. I knew there were bigger changes I wanted in my life and it seemed my attitude was holding me back.
You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Drop the attitude”? I get the jest of this saying, but I think it could use some revamping. Let’s reword it to, “Change the attitude”. It’s a word that often gets a bad rep, but attitude definitely doesn’t always have to be referencing negativity. Often, attitude is just what you need to get yourself out of feeling stuck! Which is why last year I made the decision to intentionally focus my attention on my attitude, specifically when it became bad.
So, what exactly was the attitude I needed to adjust?
It usually happened in moments of stress, when I didn’t feel heard, respected, or valued. I would feel the need to protect myself and to gain a little bit of control back, so I’d snap in return. These types of interactions usually left me feeling more out of control though since I didn’t like my attitude! As I stepped back from reacting and turned inward, I realized this was actually a bad attitude towards myself.
At the time, life seemed out to get me. I was often around others who were rude to me, didn’t believe in my dreams, or spoke down to me. I found myself trying to defend myself to others, to prove to them I was worth something. I thought if I could just get them to see how hard I work, how much compassion I have, or how much time I’m willing to give, then I could change their negative attitudes towards me. At some point I realized though, I have absolutely no control over anyone else. There is no amount of effort I can put in to change someone else’s outlook on me. I can’t make anyone more kind or more accepting.
And after all this effort of trying to prove my worth, I was exhausted. I had no energy left to put back into myself. I started to question why I felt such a need to change how others treated me. I didn’t think unkind people were really worth draining all my energy anyways. Why not put all the energy into myself? Instead of expecting others to be more positive and welcoming of me, why not be more welcoming of myself? So, slowly I decided to start putting my energy into changing the only thing I could: myself – attitude and actions. Here’s 2 steps you can start practicing now if you find yourself in the same position.
Realize other people’s actions are never about you: This was a huge game changer in shifting my attitude. My bad attitude came out of a need to defend myself. If someone voiced a negative opinion about me I was hurt. I thought I needed to prove how untrue that was by reacting, typically by calling someone else out for their bad attitude. I used to have a friend who, if I shared a new interest or idea for a project, would laugh and say, “I can’t really see you doing that, but okay.” I always felt so hurt by this response. I’d try to point out how rude his comments were and list reasons why I was perfectly capable of picking up a new project. He could go in circles with me for hours and I would just grow more frustrated and more dejected. In the last year I’ve learned that most people won’t see their own bad attitude or change just because you point it out. It’s better to take things less personally and then usually decide to hang out with people who make you feel good! This person’s reaction to my ideas didn’t reflect on me. Instead, it reflected on his abilities to be a supportive friend. And this sentiment is the same in reverse. Your bad attitude has more to do with you than anyone else, which leads to the next point.
Turn inwards: Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” If your actions (and attitude) are about you, then look inside yourself. There is some emotion that is calling for attention. Are you angry? Hurt? Sad? Probably a mix of different emotions. The more you can notice your emotions, the more you can begin to shift your life. If you’re getting upset by a person or event, then that feeling is a sign that something inside you needs your care. This is where you can start to sense what kind of shift you really need! Is your anger due to feeling unappreciated? Is your hurt due to feeling misunderstood? Is your sadness due to not being where you want to be in life? Your emotions are telling you that there is something you want or need that you don’t have. And it’s usually something you can give to yourself, like more understanding, acceptance, or love, rather than hoping someone else will give it to you. Once you start to acknowledge what you really want, then you can take steps to give yourself exactly that! Start following the voice that tells you what you are longing for in life.
Your attitude can shift a lot. Maybe like me, you’ve felt stuck. You’ve started to notice an attitude you don’t love. You don’t feel appreciated, valued, or accomplished, but you really want to create a change in your life. Don’t drop the attitude! No way. Look at what your attitude was able to show you. But now, start to change your attitude, to align with the life you want to lead. Once you shift a little you can see that you do have more control over certain aspects of your life. If you feel stuck you can take small steps to move your life towards a goal or dream. A shift in attitude creates a ripple through the rest of your life, allowing yourself to become more empowered in the changes you can make. It’s an ongoing process that I have to repeatedly remind myself of too. In fact, I wrote this a while ago and came across it again just at the perfect time. What a great reminder. If you notice yourself slipping back towards the bad attitude, go back to the same two steps to keep moving forward.