There are times in life I feel rather behind. My friends are with their life partners, buying homes, starting families, and moving up in their jobs. Then here I am living with a revolving door of roommates, my closest companion is my cat, and I somehow freelanced my way from Phoenix to Flagstaff, which was a completely unplanned move. It seemed to happen by chance when the world decided to align in the right places. Then I somehow landed in Alaska. The biggest thing I’m working on at all times is my confidence. I’m not worried about getting a house, finding the perfect job, meeting the right person to spend my life with. I just want to be self-assured and true to who I am and then watch how that manifests in the various aspects of my life, whether work or dating or friendships. However, when I stop and notice the contrast between my friends’ lives and mine, self doubt creeps in. I have to wonder if I’m actually behind everyone else… Should I have already found this confidence? Should I have moved on to more important things at this point? Would these things make my life feel more complete? Do I need to focus more on settling rather than an idea of self value?
In comparison to my friends, my life seems untidy. No part of it is arranged perfectly. I choose seasonal and inconsistent jobs that I’m passionate about over the option of stability. I’ve moved about once a year for the last several years because my needs change with the different seasons of my life. While the longest relationship I’ve had is a ten year one… It’s with my cat. And I’m mostly certain that’s lasted so long because he doesn’t know where else to get food. Nothing in my life seems to fit into a category or align with a pre-planned path. I’m sort of floundering around between spaces seeing where I fit. For the most part it seems like I fit nowhere.
While it would be nice to ignore any comparison (I know, I know) it can be hard when your family and friends still ask when you’re getting a “real job” or when you’re going to start dating again because they’re excited for you to have kids. These questions really add pressure to “settle down” and live a certain kind of life. At times I find myself caving into this pressure and looking for more stability, whether in a job or housing. Whenever I do this though, I begin to feel very overwhelmed. Almost to the point where I want to just shut down. So I have to pause and rethink. What does being unsettled really mean?
There’s an idea that being unsettled means you lack stability. Anyone living an unsettled life is aimless, directionless, or without a purpose. However, living unsettled can actually represent ever changing ideas, openness, and the opportunity to still be decided. It means a work in progress! My life seems like floundering, but really it’s freedom. The wandering about, letting things come and go, creates extra room in my world. This is the space where growth happens.
Instead of meaningless meandering, I realize I’m actually allowing myself to have the option to figure everything out as I go, rather than trying to have my life pinned down and stable as soon as possible. This room lets me make very intentional and meaningful decisions. And I’ve really discovered a lot! I’ve learned what I care for in this world, where my passions lie, how I deserve to be treated, and how I want to treat others. It’s been so liberating to give myself the opportunity to change, whether my beliefs or interests or career. I’m not limited to one particular path. Instead I have the chance to expand in any direction I chose.
Over the past several years, I’ve let myself walk along many paths that often fork off into different directions. When I graduated film school, I could have stayed at my internship for another semester, or found an internship out in Los Angeles like a lot of my friends, but neither of these choices seemed right. I was proud of the skills I gained with my film degrees, but my heart felt compelled to do more with those talents than work on a set or in an editing house. I decided to register for a Bachelor’s in Non Profit Management and Leadership instead. While I did have a college advisor who repeatedly asked me why I didn’t just go get a marketing job, I felt there was more to be found while getting a second degree. There’s nothing like a group assignment to show you the parts of yourself you don’t love and teach you to stay calm, patient, and kind! During my time back at school, a classmate asked if I would be interested in a media job at a nonprofit summer camp. I was reminded how much I love working with youth and value working in the outdoors. From there an environmental education camp asked if I could come work with them to create their very own media department and this is where I discovered a passion for conservation and environmentalism. I learned how important it is to be a steward of the land and how much I cared about passing my passion on to students. It’s what led me to search for media positions in conservation and that search landed me in Alaska working with the National Park Service. I feel so much more fulfilled now that I ever did working a set or editing in a post house for 12 or more hours a day and who knows how long it would have taken me to find the things that bring me joy if I had felt the need to stay on a rigid path!
I hear a lot from others that they’re not sure they could handle the stress they assume comes with the instability in my life. I get that. Yet, it’s this unsettledness that allows for change and personal growth, which is the kind of stability I’m really looking for. I want my security to come from within me rather than any external force. The funny thing is (it’s actually not funny as a lot of my friends would point out, but I like this word… If you have any suggestions for new adjectives, please share) when I start to worry about getting settled there’s no space for confidence in my life. I start doing things untrue to myself. I feel disconnected and unable to honor the sincerest part of myself, so my confidence has no footing. It completely loses balance and falls so far below I can’t even see it! When I let myself remain unsettled that’s when something beautiful happens. Being unsettled allows me to be very intentional with my choices! I make meaningful decisions based on what’s most important to me and not necessarily what I think others will see as wrong or right.
I’ve spent the last year, grasping around for what feels “normal”, but it wasn’t until I accepted an offer to relocate across the country, in a new, unknown terrain, because it would offer me an experience I knew I really wanted, that I felt normal again. My life is untidy. I don’t know where I’ll be living in a few months and I have to part from friends for longer than I’d like. Yet, my life is full of so much meaning and growth. Friendships in far away corners of the world show me they’re built on deeper connections than just proximity. Uncertainty in living spaces let me see all the possibilities a little more clearly. I’m grateful for all the opportunities that come up in my unsettled life.