Once in film school, during an end of the semester review, I had two instructors tell me I should take vocal lessons to deepen my voice because as it was now I did not command respect. There had been a situation on set in class where I was in charge of tracking supplies as crew members came to get them like they always did. However, this time no one came to check out equipment no matter how many times I made the announcement. At some point while I was struggling to do my job a man much older than myself apparently felt I had conducted myself so poorly that he threw my belongings on the ground and screamed in my face. It wasn’t the first or last time my authority was challenged on a set either, but what was so upsetting was that my instructors defended that behavior and actually suggested I learn to have a more masculine voice to avoid people treating me in such ways.
As a woman it’s pretty upsetting to be told to fit into a man’s world, but this isn’t just a woman’s issue. So many of us are often told to change something about ourselves to be accepted into “normal” society. Even by well-meaning people! I’m here to tell you, though, you don’t have to change because you are exactly what the world needs.
We all have unique qualities that are important to the world. Basically, everyone needs to be here being their individual self to keep this little planet well rounded with lots of special talent, skills, and thoughts! I’m sure you can agree with me that it’s not super fun to hang out with people just like you. I enjoy having friends who differ from me and offer perspectives or a presence I don’t. Being surrounded by different personalities keeps us more open minded and able to see parts of the world we might not be able to otherwise. So, why should we all act the same way? If you feel like someone is telling you to be different or fit into the norm and you’re getting frustrated, let’s just stop for a moment. First, push that negativity out of your head! It may be coming from a well-meaning place, but it’s really not that helpful and honestly it’s a little personality crushing. Consider the situation from your own viewpoint and decide whether or not if you’re happy with your outcome. Let me give you an example. While my teachers were giving me this review, I was so upset I didn’t even want to give the situation more thought. I knew they were wrong and I couldn’t focus on it anymore. However, when I paused to think about how that day on set went I knew I wasn’t happy with how things carried out. If you are happy with your outcome, then who cares what the naysayers say? I’ve had people tell me I’m being too quiet and should get more involved when I am perfectly happy silently observing my surroundings. I usher those unsolicited comments out of my mind and continue taking in my setting and that’s exactly what you should do if you’re at peace with your result.
If you are unhappy with your outcome though, then what’s next? Instead of being annoyed by feedback and running away, figure out what it is you want to do to get a different outcome next time. For me I had to realize a better outcome wouldn’t involve a change in anyone else’s behavior. I mean that would be nice, but really I knew a better outcome would be me feeling empowered and sure of myself despite other’s actions. I can remember the doubt that crept into my head when this man screamed in my face and my peers and instructors defended his actions. I thought maybe I had deserved this and I just wouldn’t be a good fit in my dream industry. That is such a lame feeling! When I realized I wanted to feel empowered instead of disrespected, unimportant, or unsuccessful at my dreams, then I could see that a better result would come from standing up for myself. Voicing my opinion and not backing down when people were being so obviously belittling would give me more of a sense of strength and control. The response would probably be the same, but this mindset would allow me to remain sure of myself and remember what I wanted for my life.
The shift of concluding I didn’t need to deepen my voice and change something about myself, but rather add more tools to my belt and in fact be more me and share more of me was such a relief. For so long, I’ve felt the outside, human world telling me to change, as if I wasn’t good enough on my own, but that simply isn’t true. We are valuable just as we are! This also really opened up my world a lot more. After this class, I decided I wasn’t going to work with men in the industry. I avoided projects that were male dominated and backed out of male spaces. It was nice to dodge negative experiences, but I was missing out on the chance to bring my perspective to other people! Now, however I can find myself in a meeting full of men and see it as an opportunity to use my voice and speak up for others or myself when I see something as wrong.
My hope would be that no one ever disrespects you or makes you feel less than as you are now. But I know our lives aren’t ideal. If someone ever does treat you this way, then you can always come here for a little pep talk. You can even come to me and we can remind you of all the things that make you lovely and important to this world. We all need you and I don’t want anyone to keep your wonder from us!
