Finding Balance with Bees

Bumble bee with visible pollen sacs near the Copper River in Alaska

Most days, my mind is up in the sky, dreaming and thinking. My dad used to do this impression of “the squirrel” in my head. He’d run around in circles, squeaking, chirping, and flailing his arms. He told me he only knew I had a squirrel in my head because he had one too. Whenever I’m sharing all the thoughts pinging around in my brain and my struggle to focus he tells me to “quiet the squirrel”. Something I find very challenging to do.

There’s a lot to think about constantly – how do I chase my dreams, how can I be a better person, what is that bug flying around my head and what is its place in the world?  Weirdly enough (or maybe perfectly enough) it’s the crazy never ending squirrel thoughts in my head that eventually bring me to pause. I have a hard time meditating with my eyes closed in a quiet room and feeling really good afterwards. I feel more displaced and empty. But an outdoor meditation, staring at bugs and birds and random critters? That feels right. It’s the spinning whirlpool of thoughts that have guided me to this practice.

The intimidating “bee”

When working at summer camp in Arizona, I’d be sitting outside between programs soaking in the sun, wondering how I would fit my life long to do list in and also take the time to focus on me and my mental health. I’d be feeling guilty for taking the time to pause. At the same time I’d be feeling guilty for constantly thinking about work. My fragmented relationships and the idea that I’m weird and no one can really connect with me would pop in too. Then a strange bug would appear. My favorite of all my seasons was a big, fat orange and spikey nectar-drinking fly. At first I thought it must be some kind of terrifying and very dangerous bee. I mean, do you see it? Bright orange and SPIKEY?! Definitely seems like nature’s warning. I started taking pictures of them and scrolling through Google searches to figure out what they were. I could never figure out a scientific name, just the generic idea that they were flies that drank nectar, but I figured out something even more important.

My search took me through websites dedicated to bees, bee look-a-likes, and larvae. I learned that bees have two sets of wings and look-a-likes generally have one pair of wings. I also learned that I was slightly obsessed with bees and their look-a-likes too. Maybe not quite as obsessed as people who cataloged pictures and created websites, but obsessed enough to be really grateful someone else was that obsessed. More importantly, I learned how much I enjoyed this whole process. The process of finding something I didn’t understand, marveling at it, researching it, and as it turned out somehow stepping away from all the anxious self-questioning thoughts in my mind. It’s a practice I still find myself doing today in two ways:

Enjoying another meditative moment of sorts during a work break at outdoor camp in Arizona

1.     I’m able to remember these facts when I see bees now, which pulls me into this sort of meditation. I pause, think of all the cool things I’ve learned about bees, and smile in appreciation of how cool they are. And also smile in appreciation of how my crazy thoughts got me here. My non-stop thoughts usually disperse and I can breathe. I’d spot these bees all over while doing environmental education in Northern Arizona and take a sighting as a reminder to pause.

2.     Sometimes I notice something new about bees that gets me thinking and I turn to the internet again for answers. I find myself uncovering more fun facts that connect me to my “meditative” headspace. Last summer in Alaska, I was visiting a friend’s fish wheel at the Copper River when I noticed a bumble bee buzzing around. I paused and appreciated it. Just the other day I was visited over and over again by a bee look-a-like and it was the catalyst for this whole reflection!

Either way, I’ve learned about the balance between my own buzzing thoughts and being able to pause for the small moments. Moments that fill me up with joy, appreciation, fascination and wonder. Not just for the natural world, but for the squirrel scurrying around in my head too.

When Spring Has Sprung But You Can't

The weather is warmer. The days are getting longer. Plants are beginning to bud and bloom. Spring is here! And it’s my favorite time of the year.

It’s not just the weather that I love, but also the opportunity. Spring brings new life. For some reason that notion carries over from the physical world and into my mind. It feels like a fresh start. Inspiration strikes me. I get the idea that I could in fact accomplish the mile long list of dreams I’ve written out. Spring hasn’t just sprung, so have I!

Yet, this time feels different. 1) The weather is not quite as lovely in Alaska as it is in Arizona. I haven’t been able to wear my sandals yet (I’m rolling my eyes). My customary footwear tan lines are nowhere to be seen. 2) We’re “hunkering down”. Usually spring finds me wandering all over the place. Driving into new towns to climb up a different trail or sit by a river. This time last year I was really in a season of “new” as I made the trip from Arizona through Canada to Alaska. With travel restrictions I can’t bring myself to call my misadventures “critical”. So I’m sitting still. Spring has sprung, but in fact I have not.

So, what does one do instead? Look for the adventures at home. With some recent low tides in town, I’ve been exploring a whole new world of intertidal life. Chitons, sea cucumbers, anemones, crabs, and sea stars. All much slimier than the prickly critters of the desert. I walk further down the beach than I have before. It’s not open toed shoe weather, but it’s definitely warmer. The sun lights up the sky till 9pm, so I’ve been walking for hours before I realize it. I finally finished crocheting a mitten I started back in January. It was too big, so I started a second, smaller mitten. Does anyone need one large mitten? I read. I write. I jot down ideas as they come, adding to my ever-growing list of dreams.

Maybe though it is still a season of growth – just out of the norm. Instead of springing outwards, expanding my physical boundaries to new places I’ve sprung inwards. At first it seems like retreating. More time indoors. More time to myself. But through all that time, ideas are being planted and sowed and soon enough something new will sprout up from this plot of earth.

Feeling Scared? Uncertain? Here’s How You Can Calm Your Mind.

Change can bring around a lot of uncertainty and fear. And currently there is a lot of change happening in our world! But it can be even more challenging to bring around positive and empowering change when our thinking is fear-based. I’ve been noticing my anxiety and panic going up when I think too far ahead about this current situation. Maybe you have as well!  

At first I didn’t think much of this new virus. I was one of the people comparing it to the common cold or flu and figured things would blow over. Last week, I was far away on an island in the Bering Sea, where I personally had very little connection to the rest of the world. I couldn’t imagine that things were really shutting down. Everything seemed as usual on the island!

Now, I realize a lot is different and it’s a situation to be taken seriously. But that doesn’t mean it’s a situation that has to be faced with panic and fear. In fact, unless I’m in immediate danger, panic and fear has never really helped me face any situation. It doesn’t help me in the long haul. What helps me instead, is feeling empowered. 

I’ve been hearing from lots of friends and fellow freelancers about the struggles they’re facing in the novel coronavirus pandemic. These are new challenges that need new solutions. We’re stepping out of our normal and into an unknown. It can be hard to think creatively or innovatively when you’re in panic mode. For me, thinking clearly happens when my mind and body is calm. So how can you move away from fear, find inner peace, and allow yourself to feel empowered even in trying and uncertain times?

1.    Give yourself some understanding and acceptance.

Fear is important. It’s a healthy emotion. It’s normal and okay to be scared. So, there’s no need to beat yourself up about your emotions. They’re essential to life. Fear is what tells you to wash your hands – it’s helpful! Where the emotion of fear becomes harmful is when we make decisions solely out of panic. Or even when we freeze up and refuse to make decisions because of our fright. In order to move past fear-based thinking, I usually have to start by saying to myself, “I’m feeling scared.” The acknowledgment really helps. You can’t really deal with something until you accept what it is. 

2.    Breathe – let the fear go.

Now, take a big, deep inhale. Breathe in for as long as you can. Hold for a moment. And exhale absolutely everything out. To me, this is about so much more than calming my mind through deep breaths. It’s also symbolic. The long exhale is about releasing an emotion that isn’t helpful anymore  – an idea my dad is big on. He’s told me for a very long, “Let go of that which no longer serves you.” You’ve acknowledged your fear, appreciated what it’s shown you, and now you let it go! The goal is to move away from fear to make room for a feeling of empowerment.

 3.    Seek out the growth that you can control.

When I feel empowered, I’m focusing on myself and the growth that I can control. Fear can feel so limiting, but the possibility of change is inspiring. Figure out where you would like to grow in the different parts of your life – interpersonal relationships, hobbies, your inner self, business, or work – there are a lot of options. Make a list of areas you’d like to see growth in your life. Curiosity is a great tool for growth. Get curious about yourself, life, community solutions and see where that inquisitiveness can take you. Allowing yourself to feel empowered, even if it’s about something small, can give you an emotional boost to steady yourself on in other areas of your life.

Even if we are feeling nervous, uncertain, or scared, we can turn inwards and move forward. Life is challenging, but it doesn’t have to be faced with fear. If you notice more anxiety in your life, an inability to make decisions, or overwhelming emotions of any kind, then I hope you can take these steps and make a little more room for positive and empowering change in your life, no matter how big or small.